Respektator

Last April, I woke up one morning to be told my cousin had been in a car accident and was lying in hospital, critically injured. The two passengers of the second car had died. My mum was distraught. I felt slightly numb, not knowing what to do in this situation, worrying if he was going to be ok. We shortly found out there was a question as to his alcohol blood level at the time of the crash. My cousin was devastated. He couldn’t believe he’d killed two people, an elderly mother and her daughter. One moment, one evening of stupidity, and two families’ lives had been ruined. He had had three pints over the space of three hours or so. I know it’s inexcusable, but I can’t find it in me to blame him. I think it would have happened whether he’d been drinking or not.

Three weeks ago, he was sentenced to 5 years in prison, needing to serve at least 2.5 years. He was sent to a category A prison until they found somewhere else for him. Category A is where they hold extreme escape-risk offenders, killers, sex offenders. My cousin, who rightly accepts his sentence, commented on the disgusting, grimy, cockroach-infested state of the prison. I feel I should comment on this, as I was speaking to some people recently, who seem to think prison life is a luxurious and easy one. It is indeed a punishment, if for the disgusting surroundings, the lack of contact with people, being stuck in the same small cell for 22 hours a day. True, there are some unexpected ‘luxuries’, my cousin has a television in his cell and a toilet. Those who think these things as luxury need only to put them in the context of imprisonment and cell confinement.

The main thing I’ve learnt from all of this is how much the decisions of one person affect so many others. Not only have the family of the deceased been destroyed by what’s happened, the family of my cousin have crumpled. The day after the sentencing, my elderly Nan said to my mum, ‘I just can’t see the point in getting up and getting dressed’. For someone of her age, who has suffered a lot in the past few years, it’s too much to cope with. I don’t think my cousins parents will ever forgive themselves or him, for this. In the year since it’s happened, they’ve turned from a happy, youthful family, to one burdened with guilt, which is clearly visible on their faces, every time you see them. I still can’t quite comprehend what has happened here, that someone I know has caused this misery. None of us will ever forget, or fully forgive him.

I feel for him though. He put himself in this position, but was in a way, unlucky that the result was so extreme. There are so many things that could have been different. I want to write to him in prison, but I don’t just want to send a letter. I thought about writing him a comic strip, so he has something different to occupy his mind, something to keep him alert, to get him away from the monotony of his life. Not that I’m an artist, or have even any vague art skills, but it’s something to do, and it might help both me and him and give us purpose. I need some inspiration. Having recently read ‘Persepolis’, which I found both humourous and informative, I’d like to do something along these lines, but without coming across too preachy. I need a character. I considered doing a strip based on the character ‘Falco’ from the Lindsey Davis novels (roman private eye, with a sharp wit and a mischievious smile). But I’m open to anything.

Any ideas?

Thursday 5th June

I’d been excited about it for weeks and forever. I was going back to visit the University I’d dropped out of 1 Year previously, to see friends I had not seen in months. I met The American after work and got the hour long train to The Village, the journey filled with conversation, star bucks Frapuccinos, a quirky train assistant lady and a cat-shaped cut out stamp. Once there, we headed straight for the shop for alcohol where, HILARIOUSLY, my older friend The American was I.D’d, and I was not. I say it’s because I’m more attractive and know how to charm shop assistants. This skill has been picked up through various encounters with customers when I was a checkout staff and is a skill I constantly use to increase happiness in society. The attractiveness is something I’m growing into. After the alcohol buying trip (my choice – bottle of strongbow), we proceeded to The Karaoke Boy’s house and his BBQ. Needless to say, on the approach, we saw smoke and heard heart-warming laughter behind the wall, so it promised to be a good night. Which it was. Some food, some (loud) music from a genre that was not to my taste, some catch ups with friends I had not seen in an age. Things change, it seems, as time passes. One friend, a small young northern thing, called The Petite, introduced me to her fiancé. I had not previously been aware she had a fiancé. Throughout the course of the night, I discover she is pregnant. It all made sense. I find it an odd choice for someone so young, but then I do respect her for not aborting, as some would in her position. The evening progresses. A vast majority (it seemed) took some drugs of the E variety and more loudness and laughter and gay thrusting ensued.

I found myself talking to my friend The Troubled, her boyfriend and their main social group. I spoke a lot to The Untouchable, a guy whom I knew fairly well. It got to a late hour and all but The Untouchable of this group decided to go home. He and I talked for hours, standing in this small utility room where the light had been turned off so as to not aggrevate the drugged loons. We were standing very close to one another. Through a joint effort, though initiated by him, we kissed. It was a long kissing session. There was excessive touching. And loving kisses on the forehead. The Untouchable has a girlfriend who I know and like very much. We both knew what we were doing. I behaved very selfishly. I am very attracted to him and have been since I’ve known him. He has been with The Untouchable's Girlfriend from shortly before we were introduced, and so I have kept my distance, made friends with her, so as to prevent a situation like this. But I was weak when he showed signs of attraction to me, and did the immoral thing. We’ve since spoken about it, and both feel very guilty, although him more than me. The Untouchable's Girlfriend won’t find out. It shall remain a secret between the two of us (and the two separate friends who I’ve told out of a need for advice). I still like him, and I feel at a different time, in a different situation, something could have happened. And it’s hard to realise it’s not a different time or a different situation.

THE BAD THOUGHT - 'What if I told The Untouchable's Girlfriend? SHe'd hate me, but then I already have enough friends...'

I quickly pushed that out of my mind. I have already behaved badly, I should bow out of the situation with my head held as high as it can be. The thought lingers there though...